Wednesday, July 20, 2005

leaving today

time to go. not all of your friends will go with you I'm afraid, but then you've got some friends that are a bit annoying so actually that's probably a good thing that I know you don't really understand but one day when you're reflecting on the last 20 years and those significant milestones you'll think of the time you moved to middle school and actually it won't be that bad because that's where you got all those new friends that you're now going off to India with to do something ultra worthy like working for oxfam or something or the cultural ambassador to lithuania that means it was all worthwhile.

but right now, it's the assembly so you get to sing all those songs you've been practicing all month and doing some kind of maypole extravaganza in front of the massed ranks of tissue wielding 30 somethings who work from home or don't work at all and 70 somethings who have 30 somethings who remember the long hot summer of 1976 and who's that boy on the right, oh, it's a girl, you are just, and you know, so, well, oh, it's not sad but you know they grow up and, booohooohoooo, hoohoo, sniff, bwaaaaaaaahhh. sorry.

Monday, July 18, 2005

harry potter and the thermos of white van


so gaz is back and this time its a multi-function base container with false floor and over pelment with deep battenberg and upside down brackets behind the french-english dictionary and the photo book like what you see in those mockups of casual designs for life in those magazines we buy and cut out little lifestyle pictures that I draw to scale and give back to gaz. we then discuss the merits of 70mil versus 90mil and liberating the picture rail like its been interred in some kind decorative style prison where the hatchet job that now lives in the cellar made out of old shoeboxes and twiddly snippings of ex-shelving units was on day release.

by friday we'll be turning all the lights down and sitting smoking fat old cigars in front of the antiqued features like we're something out of gosford park, except we'll be more like the scrags that shag in the pantry which I guess means we're not quite so crushed by our sensibilities but by our stomachs which is probably a better place to be but it does mean I won't be pontificating about beading and the cables for the aerial, sky and ntl, which is probably a good thing as I have no idea what I'm talking about and for goodness sake, why did I ever think that the vinyl collection would fit into that 1500mil space. you'll have to leave the 12"s out and just keep the road album and mono stuff and by the way I'm just popping into sevenoaks to look at a pro-ject.

so he then goes and sits in the van with cuppa tea and a couple of aspirins cos of this weather, like, and then it'll be a start on the framework, which reminds me I should be finishing the resource list and capital expenditure for FY06 as I have to make a bunch of stuff up tomorrow in order to get the world to turn the other way in product marketing before the globalization schooner reaches the end of the earth and tips over the edge into the pit of sheol that is stuff I was planning to do but never finished the plan so I never did so it must be tuesday and there goes the circular saw and bf2 really makes your small finger hurt. I should stop ducking and start running. straight into an APV probably and get squished by some 12 year old 733t d00d called 5punkYm0nk3y or something that takes me 3 goes to work out by which time they've fixed the artillery and I'm respawning under a hail of shells and ragdolling through the gulf of oman like a deranged motion sickness crash test experiment.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

what I'm trying to do is what I'm trying to do

so there's five minutes left and no questions so I'm gonna just fill in to the end of the hour if that's alright with you. I'm hoping that you'll get embarrassed enough to fill in the gaps and you'll start talking rubbish so that I can respond in a way which makes it sound like I really know what I'm talking about, but actually all I'm doing is having a conversation with you while 20 other people on the call are waiting for me to shut up already because they're going to the gym and they want to avoid the rush when all the fat people go an hour early so that people don't see them on the treadmill getting all sweaty especially at the moment when its 30 degrees and actually I have a condition which makes me smell like this.

great, so, thanks everyone. I guess I'll send you though the business requirements so that you can all review them and then we'll make it kind of ad hoc when we get together because I don't want another meeting and I have to go to the shops on friday and get some antibiotics so if we could engage via email that would be the solution I'm working towards if we're all sweet. Yep, I'll probably be ready with the plan right after the thing I'm doing next week which is really important as I'm going away for a long time after that to chatter with seagulls at a staithe and share one-legged experiences over video with a man from knebworth.

any questions?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

well, don't look at me like that

dammit. had a repeating calendar entry that I didn't repeat often enough and now I'm stuck here skypeing when I should be down there with the ham and cheese and guinea pig circus. its my turn as well, so I should be sat there with a cavey on my lap, cooing like a pigeon, but instead I'm getting my face gently blown by the hot air turbine that is my w2100z in my south facing room that happens to have a 28 degree early evening outside and a small generator in the corner pumping out co2 for christmas. I mean, I know I have to understand about resource bundles and locales and 2 column database queries and all that stuff, but really, I only had dave tellin me that he's got the monkey down from aintree on the other line, so now I'm up a pony, but stuck with a PM doing a clap for the gaff. that's not right, is it? still, when its tomorrow afternoon and I'm sticking one in the ear for demographics, then I be having a right laugh about it, cos he doesn't really get it, and I'm giving it globalization and program boards and global simplification goals but its like "yis, but" so whatever.

so I've set it for the next 18 weeks and arranged for clive to drop the spanners an hour later so we can bang on about the nosh all relaxed without me sticking me hair down like a coal miner and reaching for the lynx. nice

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

when I hear the word democracy, I reach for my headphones

so I have to get back to rating. is that hot or not? is it a bit hot? is my leg moving? now that we've supplanted ourselves with the prosthetics and given up the healy its back to the 40 days and 40 minutes of back catalogue which god knows needs filtering through the doppler. you should have known it would happen like this really. one minute I was ripping it up on a four track fandango, after a chance meeting in the city ended up with a ride to the place we knew we would end up as soon as we stepped out of the door, the next you'd left and made that really quite rubbish effort where you were wearing that new york stylee wooly hat thinking that was the 90s beatnik look but in actual fact it was just the 90s wooly hat look and since you made it permanent I have to berate you now.

not since coventry was flattened has it been mobilized so frantically. I mean, its not like I've needed any excuse to sit here looking at the wall and reminiscing about long coats and spikes in my boots, but jesus, journeyman? where the hell did that come from? time to go pick a carpet and get back to earth. I think its somwhere between the orange and the fawn, but I wouldn't want it to end up as taupe. even with flecks. that would be dreadful.

Monday, July 11, 2005

I don't care, now go away.

I can see one on the road and one on the other side, striding into Victoria like a deranged 14th-century pleb. ooh, that insidious tweak of the heels as they dribble up the path and the ratcheting bones of the spike jones lookalike competition winners who are dragged by their feet through the dogs mess in what used to be my adventure playground. there were nice logs. a rope slide and all sorts. but now I voyeuristically survey the half-life mentalisims that drip into view, sloping their club feet into the nearside and dribbling some kind of ridiculous bile at each other, like some mad old apes in the baboon house at banham. and those dogs.

you see, I've cultivated a particularly offensive highbrow backlash against you all. I see you crashing the handset against the new email client that nobody uses and staggering across my road like some neaderthal. you're headed into the pickwick for one last argument with dave about picking up stuff for the morning job and then you'll be off to costessey for a slap, you idiot. by the way, that shirt is rubbish. they went out in the 90s with those horrible loafers you're wearing

apropos of which, I'm still alive. I did take a couple of days off to just stare at the tv, so I'm late again with the globalization program. but you know, there's some things I really have to get done, and some things that I'll just about get done, so excuse me for a minute, and stop spoiling my view, you cretin

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

I'm not bothered about the noise though

do you mind if I just shut the door on you? is it my singing? no, its your whistling, ha ha. actually its the sound of the circular saw buzzing through the floor of the kids bedroom that's vibrating me across the office floor like davros or whatever his name was from doctor who. I've got a bit of a bad stomach today as well, so I'm probably green too. all I need now is to get my medusa headset on and I'll probably get a free pass to some kind of convention where I can spend my time sifting through back copies of radio times and betamax videos, occasionally looking up and nodding to a cyberman with a sea dragon mask in one hand and a cheque book in the other.

so we agree on a '100 mil' panel and some beading that is apparently called 'ocra' or 'ocar' or something and then gary gets to work on the wardrobe doors. he's going to fill in all the little gaps as well. ah. after that, he's going to start on the shelves in the living room that I haven't designed yet, but all I know is that they have to have one shelf about '800 mil' off the ground that's deep enough to fit a shiny new turntable on so that I can finally, after about 15 years, stack the vinyl underneath and then pull out and dust off my mono copy of piper at the gates of dawn and cue it up and sit back in the leather sofa and relax. its probably at that point I'll realise that piper at the gates of dawn is really a horrible screechy wailing noise, especially in mono, and so I'll whip it off, delve back into the warped back catalogue again and pull out hex education hour or 1997 wtf's going on or something instead and then do some air posturing in front of the telly while I'm reading the sleeve notes on unknown pleasures. I might even dig out who's next and do a spot of windmilling, if nobody's looking

but right now, the sawing has started again. I can't really hear it that much through the victorian walls inside this house and over the fan battle of the w2100z and the 8400 and the bionaire (which the w2100z wins quite easily, naturally) and the passing traffic through the open window because its sunny again and my south-facing office is approaching the volcano zone. but its there. just niggling away like a rat chewing your skull. so I expect to lose it completely by the end of the day and go rampaging down to M&Ms with a sawn-off bike pump or something, demanding they had over the soft rolls before anyone gets hurt. dammit. there it goes again. scuse me gary, can I just borrow that saw for a minute?

Friday, July 1, 2005

that's art, that is

don't make me change that. it took me ages. just because you don't follow that particular product life cycle process doesn't mean you can't understand what I'm saying. I mean, of course its cock full of subsections that I didn't even understand myself, but I filled them in and made them all look like they were valid and important, so you should at least read them. you know you want to. I crafted them lovingly in my usual prose-heavy way so that its less of a program management document, more of a novel, with compelling characters, engaging storyline and a startling and unexpected twist. alright, its only describing FY06 globalization activities and the business process changes and platform enhancements, which doesn't sound very exciting, but don't let that put you off. I mean, Enigma. that was about a typewriter, right? the Da Vinci Code. that's all about puzzles or something. so, it doesn't sound very interesting, but get into it and by page 17, you'll be spilling your coffee into your lap with your jaw hanging open like you've just witnessed the second coming. you'll have some kind of revelation on the path the monetization.

except I haven't finished it yet. naturally. its friday.